the hardest part about losing Dixie is the little things. like walking into the house and hollering for her. or looking at the window when we pull up to the house to see if she was enjoying the sunlight. looking through the shower door to see if she is waiting for me when i am done. these are all tiny things i have done out of habit for nearly 16 years. and these are the little things that bring me to tears automatically. i can be just fine and talk about her sometimes but when i am home, it is tough.
Dixie was a hard dog for the average person to love. she was stinky and whiny. and if she could tell that you didn't like her she wouldn't leave you alone. but she was all mine.
after i graduated high school and had started college, i made the completely odd decision to get a dog. i didn't even really have a house that i lived in. i was half staying at my parents and half crashing at my boyfriend's or best friend's apartment. but i really wanted a dog. so we went to the humane society and looked around. it was packed with big dogs so i asked the guy that ran it if they ever get little dogs in. he said when they do, they get adopted immediately but i could leave my number and he would call me when a little dog came it. so i left my number. that little action set my life on a course that would mean i wouldn't be lonely EVER for the next 16 years. a few days later my mom said "guess what! the humane society called me and said they had a little dog for me!" and i responded "Mom! they didn't randomly call you! they were calling for me! my dog has arrived at the shelter!" so we immediately made the trek out to the shelter. i told the guy that i was there to get the little dog he called about. and he said "she is so little and gets so cold, so i have her in my house, i will go grab her" apparently the guy lived right on the property. he walked back up and he had her in his coat. all i could see was one of her ears. then her head popped up and she saw me. he let her down and the first thing i noticed was her legs. she looked like a fawn. so long compared to the rest of her body. i immediately gave him $50 and we went to the college to show my parents. we spent the trip trying to figure out her name. he had been calling her Taco. at the time the tacobell yo queiro taco bell commercials were huge. she looked a little like a chihuahua... we quickly tested out new names and she looked at me as soon as i said Dixie. because i had spent all my money on buying her, my big brother bought her food and a leash and collar and a bowl. from then on she and i enjoyed a few years of partying pretty hardcore and dorkos always saying "yo quiero taco bell" it drove me insane. she moved with me to my first place...well every place. she would sneak out and run away. she ran SOOO fast! i had her for 3 years when i met G. at the time, she was staying with my parents until i found a new place to live at in Branson. i missed her so much. i needed her in my nook under the covers for me to fall asleep. so i would put a pillow there, but it didn't work, so we went and got her and we were never again without her.
until now.
people were always amazed that i still had Dixie. when i picked her up that day at the shelter i had no idea that she was going to be my gal through getting married and having children. we have such a history. Noii is even named after her. Dixie Mae..Sanoii Mae. i realized that since you don't really remember your life before 4, i have sorta lived more with her than without her if you think about it. that's what makes life without her so hard. i have had this tiny loved one around me for my forever and suddenly she is gone. she was so little, but without her, our house seems enormous and empty.
if i have one lesson to share from Dixie is this:
since she was 9, i started worrying about her dying. i thought she was old at that time and for 7 years i had a random worry that my time with her would be done soon. i guess i you could say i was trying to prepare myself for her to die one day. it didn't consume me, but i thought about it often. i am a worrier to begin with. i was trying to make it so i wouldn't hurt so much when it would happen for real. when we had actually said good bye to her, i was completely buried with sadness. all of those years of worrying didn't help me handle her death any easier. all those people (including G) that say worrying is a waste of time are 100% correct. i actually said that i thought about this moment so often, and it made no difference and how foolish i was to have worried about losing her for so long. i mean, it didn't keep me from loving her or anything but that thought just crept in a lot, esp when i worked at a vet clinic and assisted in so many euthanasias.
so my gift from Dixie is the knowledge first hand that worrying is lame. it distracts you from living in the moment. oh and it is okay to be stinky...
p.s. Dixie loved sunshine. so it was quite fitting that it was a beautiful sunny day yesterday. and today as well. so in honor of Dixie can you go enjoy the sun on your face for a minute?
